Today was wonderful in a weird normal way. I feel so elated and happy right now.
I have just left H’s flat. I managed to teach her how to attach a file, she remembered how to save a Word document and find it even though it was 4 weeks ago. I genuinely was impressed by her memory. Finally, after 7 months we have found a method to learn which is making her repeat the same action over and over again and only learning one thing each lesson. So she attached a file to her email 5 times today whilst I wrote her a step by step guide sheet. She eventually got the hang of it – wooohooo!
At the end, whilst we were setting our next date, she asked if I was doing anything with my bf on Valentine’s Day. I looked at her sweet face and told her we broke up. She smiled, she looked kind of happy for a split second but then her face furrowed and she said she was sorry, she looked upset and asked why. I told her he cheated and we talked a lot about it and she laughed saying how many similar experiences she has had over her long life. She spoke about how when she was in love she was devoted and gave her all but all the men she loved were bad. Some were married, some were unrequited love and some loved and wanted to marry her but she wasn’t invested. She said she read somewhere where a man described these troublesome women as “moth girls” implying they were moths to a fire and would be destroyed by the very thing they wanted. I couldn’t stop laughing and thinking that I was one of these “moth girls” too
I asked whether she had learnt from all her experiences and she laughed at me telling me of a “situation” that was happening at the moment that made her realise she hasn’t changed. She said each experience was new and different. You can grow old but you might not grow up lol. She then proceeded to say that she wasn’t herself in a relationship so she eventually realised she should be alone and hence never marrying or having any children ever.
Then she said something that was so powerful I don’t even think she realised.
“Never be scared of getting old because life will continue to throw new experiences and surprise you everyday.”
Thank you H. I left and I felt tears coming down my face in a weird grateful way. I’m so glad I decided to volunteer and I’m so glad I met her. I’m happy she enjoys our sessions. Maybe it was fate maybe it was coincidence but I feel like she is so similar to me yet so different and opening up and listening to her life really made my day better. I felt that connection and understanding of another person who has lived such a long and fruit full life. She is what I envision my future to be. Alone, unmarried and childless. It sounds sad to some people but I feel comfort in knowing she’s enjoyed her life and seems pretty content and screwed on for an 83 year old. Everyday is unique. Every day we have the opportunity to just be ourselves and live life as we wish.
So yeah, the day went just like any other day. I woke up went into work and I felt excited to be around people.
I guess that’s what being ill, isolated and home alone for a week does to you. You welcome all social activity.
Anyways, today went pretty quick, I had a lot of CMA stuff to do and was trying to source 10001 missing files. I was going to go to yoga for lunch but I still had a chesty cough so I decided to rest another day and went to first floor to read my book. The book I’m reading at the moment is awesome. It’s called “Cutting through Spiritual Materialism”. It talks a lot about the “ego” how we all hold this solid sense of self that we feed with knowledge, a persona and a whole set of rules. We cultivate ourselves and we manufacture this self. Currently what I’m doing (talking about a practise in a set way and blogging about it) is precisely what the teaching says is spiritual materialism. Reflecting is feeding your ego, contributing to your skill set to be better at something is feeding your ego anything that requires following a set path in order to be a certain way is using spirituality in a materialistic way . It tries to explain why holding spirituality to a thing, a doing, a way is not authentic. I’ve realised today that I can not “just be”. I walked to work taking in my surroundings and feeling happy.
As much as I love this book and find it really interesting and eye opening it has become such a habit to feed my ego. I do it without second thought and I feel the rush straight after and I enjoy that brief elation.
For example, today we had a Chinese New Year dragon dancing around work. (which btw was fooken jokes and I’m sad I can’t upload the video for future Becky to LOL at). Straight away I felt the need to take photos upload to Instagram and send to 3 different sets of friends.
I was feeding my ego and how I come across to my friends, strangers, anyone but myself. Seeking validation of my happiness at work, of me being better than others in some way because I’m happy. Other people can be happy too! The fact I’m analysing the situation is also spiritual materialism. You see, I’m stuck in this rut.
I don’t know if I will be able to let go of my ego completely but I guess the first step is losing my social media accounts. I have to lose this blog in order to stop feeding my ego but baby steps please. I’m going to take what I can from the teachings and use it to feed my ego. BUDDHISM WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS MOCKING US MILLENNIALS