Yesterday’s revelation and pouring my thoughts out on here REALLY REALLY helped. Today I feel so refreshed, happy, content and just….how I normally feel 🙂
Then my period came and I realised all that anxiety was from coming on. HA HA HA HA. This always happens for 13 years of my life and I’m still shocked when it comes and my mood flips and is wavey.
I woke up this morning and I was walking through the park outside my house on the way to the train station and I was thinking – as I usually do. I thought that whatever I do: my past, what I’m about to currently do, walking through that park… doesn’t stick. It doesn’t exist… once that time has past that moment will be lost forever unless I, myself, remember it. Without my memory, it just doesn’t exist. I started shouting in the park random gibberish and laughing like a looney bin. I solidify it by telling someone about it. I solidify and create the existence by talking about it, by putting it on here. In reality, though what just happens is lost as soon as it happens. It’s gone forever. That’s definitely why Instagram, FB, Twitter and any other social media is so powerful. It’s a tool to capture memories and make them real. It’s a space for people to prove to other people it’s existing and that their memories exist, what they did was real and most of all that they exist. At first, it becomes a place for your memories then the psychological addiction happens with the feedback loop. You start craving the validation, the feedback you start creating this ‘new world’ this image of yourself which you feed with images and words. You create yourself in other people’s memories, minds and their hard drives which makes you feel like it’s real. Otherwise, if it’s just inside you and it doesn’t feel real because no one else can see it. It’s like proof. That’s my thought of the day lol.
Work is awesome. I’ve had so much fun doing this CMA stuff. I love being on edge, I love deadlines and I love the stress that’s all involved. It makes me feel alive at work and at the same time the autonomous designing is so therapeutic and calming. It takes the pressure of having to constantly squeeze every last drop of creative juice out of me every day. I love designing but I feel like I need to take time to conceptualise ideas rather than get given 1 day and 1 day only to fulfil each brief. It’s quite tiring but I guess that’s the negative thing about working in-house in a marketing department. On a positive note though, the constant churn of work means it’s always changing, updating and that there’s always something to do. It’s faster paced. You win some you lose some.
I’ve started talking to people at work again. I feel like I’m more myself than how I was before. I felt so insecure about everything when I was him. It was no fault of his (probably) but I felt like I wasn’t good enough in all aspects. He felt like I had to be so much more at work and be professional. Now he’s gone I feel FREE, happy and myself again. I love talking to everyone they’re all so different. I’ve stopped seeing all the negative aspects of people as a singular thing and realising people are just good/bad in one. It gives me faith in the world again haha 🙂
Work drinks tonight! I’m excited. Mark said I can drink on antibiotics and it’s a wives tale. So yeah HYPE CHECK !!!!!!!