O.M.G last night was so fun.
It’s 7 am I’ve just woken up and I’m still hungover from slap cup LOL.
Yesterday, I had such a good day at work. I think the CMA creative has finally been signed off. My manager left me to my own devices, which is fab. I’ve really enjoyed being on this project because I’ve got to speak to, work with and meet so many different and new people in the business. They’re all so driven by a great sense of humour and it makes me proud and happy that I work in such an awesome environment. Yes, there is bitchiness, yes there is office gossip constantly and YES people can be mean and contribute to office politics but at the end of the day, you will get this in any office because there’s a lot of people and it’s a natural instinct to group together for comfort and for safety. People need support and I feel like the gossip brings people closer together. Okay, so when it’s directed at me I feel sad and anxious but at the end of the day, I’ve realised whatever people think and say it doesn’t change how they treat you as a person. It’s a bit sad someone can dislike you without knowing you and the fact is they will never outright be unkind to me on purpose. Someone has gone to me before “I don’t like you because you’re annoying and I think you’re annoying because you laugh too loudly”. When I say it out loud it sounds dumb and it is dumb but I won’t hold it against someone for saying it because that’s for them to make those judgements. I am here being me and their thoughts are their own and I can’t change that. I find this reasoning gets me through the day and any conflict lol.
I think this is helping me so much writing in here. I can’t believe the turn of events from a breakup to self-revelation to blogging more! I love pouring out my thoughts it gives me so much clarity with what I think and if it’s self-sabotaging it makes me reason with myself and get myself out of the rut rather than running to my friends for support every time.
I like my team now. For the past few months, being with my ex-boyfriend made me shy away a lot because I was so insecure about who I was. I was afraid of showing the real me and being judged and I didn’t want anyone to dislike me. NOW I’M FREE and talking to them all again and it makes me so much happier to get to know them all individually. I love knowing more about people and what goes on in their mind. You start realising a lot of people think like you too and you feel less alone.
I started talking to my desk buddy at work about these things and he was repeating EXACTLY the things going on in my head and it made me realise that everyone is the same way. Everyone says the wrong things by accident and are fearful for upsetting others. My best friend Sarah told me this herself. When I see her sometimes I say the wrong things because I’m trying to suppress the thoughts or I am absent minded but she said to me that she understands that I don’t say things to upset her and that I mean well. It means a lot when someone tells you this because you feel more relaxed knowing someone isn’t going to hold what you say against you. The world isn’t out to get me HURRAY!
Last night I stayed at work for drinks for my colleagues birthday. I started off a bit overwhelmed at how many people there were as I haven’t gone to the work drinks on 1st floor in a while. I got a bit of social anxiety but when I started to drink and chat to people I loosened up and started to really enjoy the conversations I was having. People are so interesting. As much as I love talking I also love watching them and psychoanalyzing. Not in a way that I think everyone’s crazy but in a way I’ve started to see why people do the things they do and say the things they say and how people react to situations or DON’T react to situations. I can sense suppressed feelings and emotions come out when drunk and I’m started to trust my gut feeling a lot more. It’s almost like I’m seeking meaning behind words but not analysing what people say but really listening to the flow and being in that moment and experiencing it for what it is as well as understanding why at the same time. It sounds confusing but never the less I feel really good and enjoy connecting with people on deeper levels and I feel excited about socialising again. For so long, I dreaded seeing people because I felt socialising exhausted me, stole my free time and sometimes I got anxiety. Now I feel like another door has opened. Socialising is like looking into little windows into someone else’s life and I’m deeply fascinated at what goes on. LET ME LOOK IN!
We played this game called SLAP CUP. I learnt how to play it in North Carolina and to begin with it was really confusing trying to teach loads of people how to play and tell them the rules but everyone picked it up super quick and it started to get fun. I was screaming, laughing and seriously having the time of my life looool. Who knew a couple of cups could create so much happiness hahahha. I swear man everyone was getting so hyped it got me hyped to see other people enjoying the game and shouting as much as me. I’m going to bring my card game Wizard next week which I played in North Carolina too. I’m shit at it but it’s strategic and I love strategic games. I’ve told everyone about it and everyone rolled their eyes but I’ll get whoever wants to play and hopefully the others will join in and enjoy it as much as I do.
I have my driving Theory today. I’m scared I haven’t revised it’s giving me anxiety I feel like I’m not going to pass 🙁 I’m going to go revise on my phone now. If I don’t pass I guess I’ll have to fork out for another test. I feel like if I don’t pass first time it’s embarrassing and I’m ashamed at myself for not being smart enough. I’m going to tell myself it’s not the end of the world the whole idea is just to pass and I will pass it may take once or it may take more times but I know I will get there eventually. I should stop caring what other people think NO ONE ELSE cares it’s not to do with them. Still, I feel nervous. Writing in the blog doesn’t cure everything. Lol