Yo yo yo dear diarizzle it’s Sunday!
Oh gosh I’m such an embarrassment to myself. I feel grateful I put all this shit in my blog and no one actually reads it. I had so much hatred inside me when I woke up this morning I wish I jotted it down. I mean I did but I had to hide it because there was FIRE inside me mainly aimed towards certain people. But it’s okay I spoke to my mum about it and she said to me that throughout life I will meet people “who will bitch you” and it’s up to myself not to be affected by the hurtful words they say because if I let it get to me they all win. LOL thanks mum for a banging piece of advice. I knew I could always count on you and kudos for knowing what “bitch” is even if you didn’t say it in the right way.
I went to the doctors yesterday they said I had a chest infection. I did wonder why I kept coughing up blood and sneezing a shit ton of blood out of my nose everyday. Cat actually suggested I should go instead of visiting her in Cambridge. I felt bad but I’m glad I went and got it checked out. They gave me antibiotics so hopefully that will clear up. I’ll miss my sexy throat infection voice tear
Today I finished Fahrenheit 451. Wow what an amazing book it actually made me cry. I don’t think it’s intention was to bring tears but the ending was so beautifully and metaphorically described. I felt Guy finally got the peace he deserved and didn’t know that he longed so much for because he had never experienced it. It made me think long and hard about my life and the over-consumption of just about EVERYTHING – that’s including travelling way too much. We forget the little details and savour each moment. Our minds are clouded with wanting more, more and more and we drive fast-paced towards trying to achieve goals without stopping to cherish and appreciate the journey. I always feel like I’m trying to search for these clips of happiness and when I find something that makes me happy I keep at it until I just become immune. Reading these random stories have made me realise that I don’t need to look for things to make me happy… and that just being and doing whatever I want brings happiness. Freedom is happiness, new experiences is happiness, chilling is happiness, maintaining friendships is happiness. There’s all sorts that can be happiness it’s different for everyone. Although the book was about burning books this is the piece I took away from the story. In a sense it was quite similar to Siddhartha. Maybe I’m just taking what I want to take away and ignoring all the other little lessons they all teach. I guess that’s what makes all books special and interesting they could mean different things to different people.
Food I made
I made my own oat milk this morning as well. I put 1 cup of oats + 3 cups of water into a blender, added a handful of dates and some vanilla essence and VOILA! Oat milk fiesta happened I was living my best life until the hand blender popped out and half the contents went all over myself and the kitchen. I added my Kefir culture to it but it just separated the water + oat mixture. I don’t think it’s fermenting correctly and I’m scared it’s going to kill my kefir grain.
For lunch, I made my own sushi and onigiri. I’m too sick. My sushi was delicious and my onigiri looked store bought #proud #sushiqueen.
Catch ups with Mum
I took my mum out for dinner just now. We went to this swanky pub in town and had the biggest fish and chips I have ever seen in my entire life and we ate it all. I can’t move. I swear that section of town does not feel like the ends. It’s proper built up and so middle class. It almost makes me despise myself for going because the atmosphere screams GENTRIFICATION IS COMING TO GET YOU.. Me and my mum were fine this time despite falling out for over a month. We’ve both changed so much and I ended up telling her Shaun cheated on me and I could see her eyes almost swelling up. I asked her about my dad and what happened and she explained how it ended and how she knew he had cheated all along and how it was different because they had me and had to try and make it work. It was just so depressing and in a sense, it made me glad I had ended things. Hell no would I ever let a man treat me like that again and if I had a kid oh boy oh boy it gave me a stomach ache thinking about it. She said he put her off men and dating completely and it’s been 27 years since; he really must have cut her deep especially bringing up me (the devil’s child) alone. I felt sad but so proud of her. It made me feel bad for lashing out and saying all those things I said because now I realise that I am all she has and this is why she is so critical and fearful of me growing up and ‘not needing’ her anymore – she just wants me to have the life she never had and feels like she knows the best way to it. I said sorry to her. I did mean all those things I said just wish I had worded it in a less aggressive manner. I could see she was holding back on all the malicious things that usually spew out her mouth to criticize me and all sorts so my words did touch a nerve and she did take note. She’s not as overbearing and is letting me live my own life she’s finally got the hint I can survive on my own it only took me all my life to prove this. I said I would take her out for dinner every month and we could catch up or I could come visit her more often and she seemed happy. I think that’s all that I needed to do. She doesn’t text me every single day asking for help with every little thing anymore. I don’t feel that huge duty or responsibility of looking after her like I did before. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Finally, things are looking up and I’m excited about this year huzza huzzzaaaaa