What it feels like being Twenty Seven so far
You know when you hear about the dreaded twenty seven. That magic number when all the depressed, anxious and all sorts of mentally ill celebrities magically die, commit suicide or overdose. I use to be like “Wow 27 seems like such an old age what do they mean died at only 27. It isn’t that young I wonder what happened”. Now I’m 27 and I feel the youngest I have ever felt. I feel like I have only just opened my eyes to the world. I have been struggling to deal with the negativity I see in people, being easily influenced and subconsciously taking on board other people’s anxieties. I’ve been super passive aggressive with issues I have with people but failing and hurting their feelings. The world that is my world that I have been slowly moulding myself and trapping myself into is falling apart. Over the years, I have somehow collected and contained all these ideologies, moral ethics and demons which all decided to spew out and fuck me up because of a bad break up. I feel like I understand that at 27 I have somehow come face to face with the scariest thing ever – myself. I’ve suddenly started noticing all the bad. But I don’t see bad for bad I see reasoning and I see sadness. Those people who hurt are hurting themselves and those cruel people are actually soft inside. I feel like I am soft on the outside but dark and evil on the inside hiding my true thoughts and feelings all the time. Not being true to myself or others. All those people who are always so bitter are those who have come to terms with how they feel and are just honest with their negativity. Yes it may be ALL the time and people judge them for judging but I feel like those are the people who have given up hiding. I feel like I understand but maybe I don’t. I am searching constantly too hard for answers but why? I have, for so long, been in this happy la la land living a naive and ignorant way; truly believing my life was great, the world was great and everything was amazing. Everything IS amazing but deep down inside I am left with my own self sabotaging thoughts. I have anxiety, I have self hatred but I also love myself very much. I am obsessed with just wanting to be thoughtless, natural and present. I have been constantly trying to feed my ego by experiencing things, gaining knowledge and cultivating my morals and becoming this self righteous person who suddenly gets annoyed when I see negative behaviour not realising that I was just as bad or that these people aren’t just that clip of judgement I am making based on their actions they are so much more. I analyse situations rather than see them for what they are. I seek meaning behind words and reasoning if they are negative rather than just accepting it as it is. I dig deep into my memory for preconceived ideas. At the moment my mind is fighting my mind and I feel confused. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe it’s sudden awareness but the more I read about different perspectives the more overwhelmed I feel about …. everything. It’s getting me really interested in reasoning behind why we are here, why we are the way we are. Despite drowning in the over-consumption of different ideas it makes me want to read and know more about the human mind.
This entire month alone I have faced so many different types of emotions, psychoanalysed way too many people and raised so many questions. I keep asking myself.. who am I? What is the reason for my existence? Why do I keep seeking validation? Who for? How do I live in the moment? What is the point in upskilling all the time? What am I constantly searching for? I’m finding that I’m becoming more and more interested in Buddhism yet frustrated that the principles are the very opposite of my existence. In Buddhism, you do not question any of these things. What is the point in life? What is my point? Meditation isn’t just about clearing the mind it’s being in the moment. Living as you are. Being here, present, aware and vacant. I understand now. I’ve realised that I am clumsy, forgetful and I make so many silly mistakes at work because I’m not truly present. I am not focusing at the moment. I’m constantly daydreaming, thinking, pondering and absent-minded; I’m not 100% invested and engaged. Most of the time when I small talk I ask people questions but I don’t truly listen. Those are forced conversations. Today made me realise that I feel true elation when I find a connection with someone about something I never even realised I was passionate about. Me and Simi and are so similar yet we are so different but we’re both so passionate about our ideas. We’re passionate about our ideas, giving, taking and feeding each other new information. In Buddhism, you do not have goals you need to reach. It’s all about letting yourself be. I don’t think I can truly be a Buddhist. Today I had such a good time talking to her about our dreams and ambitions of what we want to do in life with her business and my idea that I felt so engrossed; everyone in the room melted away. I would rather feed that ego for an hour and feel that high than giving it up entirely; to give up everything that I have learnt, all my preconceived ideas, my wants and my past to be eternally peaceful and just to be a Buddhist. I can understand the principles but that is just not me. Maybe I can take something from it.
It is making want to learn more about Buddhism as I can not grasp this concept of living. I can but I can’t imagine me being able to be present and not analysing. Analysing is my second name. I just want to understand it and know more so I can see through another perspective; so I can open my mind more.
I have found that emotion is so volatile. People can give and take it away from you just like that. I let people do this to me and have this power and I don’t understand why it’s not theirs to give or take. I doubt anyone intends to have that power it’s my choice. Today I let my mind consume with sad thoughts again about my break up and I thought to myself Why did I just suddenly LET myself think about it and indulge in that sadness and pain. Why did I let someone who isn’t even here or thinking about me or even exists in my world make me feel sad? Why did I give them that power? I indulged in it like it was comforting to feel that sadness.
Rom-Com & Doms: Valentines Day
It was yesterday and I have to say it was awesome! I had such an emotional roller coaster of a day (as I do all the time) going from excited to bored to tired to excited to elated. I was glad my work day finally ended and I got to see my best friends Sarah & WIll. We ordered a shit ton of food from Dominos and watched a “Rom Com”. Basically whatever was on TV. We watched The Lobster which is 100% my sort of Rom-Com but not really Sarah’s kind of Rom Com lol. It was dark, sadistic, evil and twisted. I found it hilarious and I could connect to all the manipulative characters and storyline about fake, forced love. LOL. I love my friends they get me. They see how corrupted I am and yet they are still there through thick and thin. They’re so much more mature than I am. I feel like I am constantly going through life realising I am doing everything wrong learning and then realising yet again over and over again. I watch Sarah & Will and they just… are so natural with who they are. They are so natural with love, giving, conversations, themselves and I love that. They may not love or think the way I think and I often feel like I scrutinise some of the ways they are but they are them and they accept me and I am so grateful I have them both in my life. Anyways the Dominos seriously F’d me up I woke up at 3am and had diarrhoea ALL NIGHT. I didn’t go back to sleep so today I’ve been running on 3 hours sleep and I’m fed up fom the lack of sleep.
Will’s First Gallery Showing: Future Power
Will got some of his art selected for a gallery in Croydon. OMG, it was pretty sick! The art work was really interesting, different and very raw. I wish I knew more about each piece, I wish I spoke to the other artists more about their pieces, I wish I had indulged more in the moment like Will did. But I didn’t. I hung out with a couple of people I recognised and we just talked about ourselves, caught up and had a laugh which made me happy.