Last year I started this platform, Madhat Girls, during the first lockdown to help promote working women, female entrepreneurs and provide a space for them to connect.
It started off with the idea to build a community for budding female entrepreneurs which was super fun I LOVED it! Then I wanted to try and create an academy to help these women set up websites for their business.
It’s safe to say… I failed.
It was really fun, to begin with. We did an event called The Art of Working Women to celebrate international women’s day. We celebrated working women of different backgrounds and had lots of different types of artists involved. From spoken word, to illustrators, photographers to textile artists. The artwork was incredible.
We took 6 months preparing, did loads of marketing for it and set up all our digital comms. We even created an app with Audio interviews of the exhibitors; created in conjuntion with Wandertale an audioblogging platform.
We launched, it was great but then the first lockdown happened and we were forced to abandon the exhibition. Anthea and I were sad it didn’t go to plan but we were happy with what we had achieved in just 6 months and the fun we had organising and working together on something new we hadn’t done before.
Then the webinars happened. It took so much energy, preparing and feeling like I was trying to sell something to the audience that it really took a toll on my energy and mental health.
I didn’t think anyone would turn up then in the last 2 weeks… over 800 people signed up for a ticket and I felt an insane rush of panic.
I had been building and setting up this whole fiasco and it felt like people were joining and waiting for something.. a service.. a product…some guidance and I had no goals or any sort of plan set in place and I freaked out.
I did the webinar. Had a melt down…
…Then I just fled.
I left my job. I ran away from my community. I ran away from the blog and the projects and during this time Anthea, who was running most of the blog, lost her job.
So we just packed up everything and left it on a long hiatus. We didn’t feel like we were in the right mindset and we needed time back into ourselves to just breathe and get our lives back on track again.
Then, I was diagnosed with “depression, anxiety and low self esteem”.
At that point I was struggling a lot with my mental health. I was unemployed properly for the first time ever, I had just been dumped and now I was struggling with the platform I had built to help others.
I didn’t realise all these ‘failed’ pursuits was denting my self esteem. Outside I seemed fine and normal but inside I was increasingly growing in anxiety, low self worth and not feeling good enough.
Anyways…fast forward 6 months… Anthea got a new job in Hong Kong teaching. So she relocated and has since been exploring a new City and enjoying life.
And me…? I went through 2 rounds of therapy. I went to Group therapy and it honestly was one of the best things I did. I barely spoke – I was so nervous. It was the first I had ever been to and because of covid, it was online. I live alone and so our weekly sessions with 5 other people became something I looked forward to.
Doing this made me realise that yes, I had been bullied but also, the bullying had triggered a core belief I had about myself which was: “I’m not good enough”. Which was the main thing I was suffering from. My own mind.
This belief was slowly eating away at everything else I did and seeping into other areas of my life like Madhat Girls, finding a new job and relationships. I just didn’t feel like I could achieve great things. So I’d get to the point of doing well then I would mess it up or ditch it.
My own fear of succeeding was stopping me from progressing.
Well.. needless to say this whole year has been a deep dive into the self. Not just for me but for the whole world too. And since then I haven’t done anything to do with Madhat and I just really miss it 😭
I finished my last therapy session today and was discharged. And I’m wondering whether it’s worth it to start Madhat Girls back up again but more in line with what I believe in. More in line with my core belief and focus on raising awareness and promoting something that be as helped me throughout all those years struggling with my mental health. And that’s…
I love and still love Madhat Girls. I loved collaborating with other artists and small business owners. I loved having a community to invest in and grow. I loved writing articles that helped other’s going through similar pain points. I just loved the whole she-bang!!
Running my own blog has given me skills that were highly employable, such as website management, wordpress management, web design, html/css and writing skills. Blogging has improved my writing, self awareness, become a carthatic way of expressing struggles and my emotions. My blog has been a way I’ve been able to connect to people with the same interests. I’ve not felt judged, I’ve felt free and open to be who I am and to talk about anything my heart’s desire without criticism. Blogging has taught me how to build a website in under 1 hour, be open to other people’s points of views, be self critical, be self loving, forgive my past, forgive my future, forgive my friends, forgive myself, forgive the world and most of all the freedom to explore, enjoy and be proud of being me!
So… I was thinking about moving the direction to something that is more about what I do everyday that can help others. Just so it doesn’t feel like such a hassle and more like I’m sharing a gift not a burden.
I want to promote the benefits of blogging for personal, professional, mental and spiritual. I want to increase awareness of blogging amongst teenagers – this is a vital point in life of gaining clarity and direction of who you wish to be growing up. I want to promote the benefits of blogging to businesses, to schools, to students, to friends, families and anyone who will listen because…
Blogging saved my life